I recently took a course called Fearlessness in Everyday Life at the local Shambhala center, where I go to meditate and study.  Over the five weeks, many topics/concepts were discussed, including:  emptiness, impermanence, hope and of course, fear.

We were taught certain techniques in how to contemplate these subjects, which I practiced on a daily basis.  I also spent quite a bit of time contemplating the role that fear has in my everyday life.  Where does it come from?  Where do I feel it in the body?  What thoughts occur?  What are the external triggers that cause fear to arise within?

One exercise that we did, in particular, had a fairly profound effect on me.  The instructors started to pass out blank, white sheets of paper and markers.  As this was happening, I immediately noticed some anxiety starting to arise within.  Much of it had to do with uncertainty.  What was this paper for?  Was I going to have to draw something like “draw how fear looks to you” or something like that?  Oh god, how would I do that?

Once all the blank sheets of paper were passed out, the instructors told us to assume our normal meditation posture.  We were then told to simply look down at the blank white sheet of paper.  Again, the anxiety and fear was there for me.  This pen is here too.  What am I going to draw?  What will others draw?  It will probably be better than mine.

After a minute or two, the instructors told us to make a mark on the paper.  Again, more uncertainty for me.  What does that mean?  A mark?  Does it mean draw anything I want?  What are other people doing?

Finally I realized that we were simply supposed to make a mark on the paper in whatever way we wanted.  It didn’t have to be a picture.  A simple line, or dot on the paper could be a mark.  With that, I drew a squiggly line on the paper and I was done with it.

We repeated the exercise and I noticed much less anxiety.  As I sat with the blank sheet of paper I tried to be open to what came up.  When we were told to make a mark on the new, blank sheet of paper, I did so with relative ease.

When the exercise was done, the instructors asked us how the exercise was for us and what came up.  I found it interesting and a bit amusing that many people had similar thoughts to me.  Some were unsure of what to draw.  Others had a general feeling of unease until the first mark was made.  One person liked the first mark they made and then didn’t want to do a new one on the next blank sheet of paper.

Of course, there was nothing “right” or “wrong” with any of these responses, including the anxiety that came up for me.  The whole point of the exercise, as well as with meditation, was to simply observe and see what comes up.  There are countless ways and techniques to do this, and this was another example of one.

The profound effect this exercise had on me didn’t come until one of the instructors made a comment, and his comment was kind of after the fact.  After people had talked about what came up for them and we had a short discussion and were wrapping up, he said “yeah, it’s kind of interesting how this exercise and looking at the white piece of paper is kind of like looking at a mirror or window into your mind.”

Bam, that’s when I had this a ha moment.  I realized that the uncertainty and initial anxiety I had when the pieces of paper were handed out is a very common way that a I react to situations.  It could be situations at work, social situations, or whatever.  Whenever there is an element of uncertainty, which happens quite a bit obviously, I have this whole process happen.

This doesn’t mean that this thought process will immediately stop for me…it hasn’t, but this is the kind of insight that helps us move forward.  To become familiar with our own habitual patterns and to really take an objective and non-judgmental look at them.

I think the non-judgmental part is imperative.  It’s so easy to be hard on ourselves constantly.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with the response I had when the blank sheets of paper were passed out.  However, when I can become better acquainted with this pattern and look into it more, I can better analyze and understand the nature of this fear.  In that way, it almost loses its perceived solidity.

I don’t think the blank sheet exercise would really give you the same result now that I’ve told you the point of it, but I do think that as you move through your day and week you should begin to look at some of the patterns that show up related to fear in your life.  How does it show up in your life?  In what situations?  Is there a pattern?  How do you normally handle it?

Become friends with your fear.  Fearlessness seems like it would mean “lack of fear,” but that’s not the case at all.  Fearlessness transcends, yet includes.  Without knowing and actually experiencing our fear, we can’t experience fearlessness.