One of the key roadblocks that people face in their personal development is not being true to who they are. Each and every one of us is born with a personality that is unique to us. You might be a people person who loves to socialize and has many friends. On the other end of the spectrum, you might be an introvert, such as myself. Either way, you must remember one important fact:
You cannot change your innate personality.
It might seem like an obvious statement, but people have more trouble with this than they realize. I think the reason behind this is that as we grow older we are inundated with ideas and examples of how we have to behave in order to be perceived as successful or a ‘normal’ citizen in the eyes of society. Who wants normal anyway?
Examples:
- You come home with a report card that has three As, two Bs and 1 C. Instead of focusing on and nurturing the As, most parents and teachers focus on improving the C.
- You’re wildly crazy about American History. You could talk about the intricacies of the impact of the Louisiana Purchase on America’s westward expansion and ‘manifest destiny’ for hours on end without getting bored. Your friends and family tell you that you’ll never get a good job if you study history or liberal arts in school.
- All of your friends are getting advanced degrees so you think it would be a good idea to fork out $100K and two years of your life to do the same, although deep down you really have no interest in doing this.
- You’re a naturally bubbly, outgoing person who likes to voice your opinion. Others tell you that you need to ‘tone it down’ or not question authority because it’s not polite.
All of the above are examples of how we might do something or focus on something that is not in line with our innate personality. One of the first steps in getting back on track with your life if you’re feeling lost is to take a look at yourself. Accept yourself and don’t try to be someone you’re not. Tune out all the noise – what your parents have told you, what your friends have told you and what the media has told you.
I’m an introvert. Always have been, always will be.
There have been times where I wished I was more outgoing. Where I looked at other people who are the center of the party and thought, ‘hey, why can’t I be like that?’
You know what? It’s just not who I am. It’s not part of my DNA and spending time trying to change that is a waste of time. Instead, I’m starting to appreciate and nurture some of my introvert tendencies.
Looking back on my life, it’s clear that I have always been an introvert. I’ve never been the kind of person who has a ton of friends. It just seems weird to me to have a large group of casual friends. This might seem strange to some extroverts, but to me it’s perfectly normal. I need to have a real sense of connection to someone to consider them a friend. Of course, everyone needs to have a connection to someone to call them a friend, but to me, it’s more than that.
Once someone is my friend, they may as well be a family member. This is probably why I’ve found such a connection with people in the personal development/lifestyle design community. I’ve always felt I was different. I tend to ask a lot of questions, rebel against authority and have an interest in topics such as meditation, appreciating the present moment, spirituality, psychology and philosophy. I’ve found others in this community who share the same values and life ideas that I have and I love it.
Don’t take an introvert as being a mute because it’s just not the case. I will get on the rooftop and spread the word about those who have similar interests to me and I feel a connection with…..even if I haven’t met them. This is the beauty of the Internet. People with similar belief systems and life goals are able to find one another and connect without meeting in person. This is not to say that I wouldn’t love meeting some of the wonderful people that I’ve connected with online.
Hopefully you don’t think I’m hating on extroverts or anyone else for that matter. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I have absolute appreciation, respect and admiration for people such as Gary Vaynerchuk, who’s an extrovert to the nth degree.
So What Does This Have to Do With You?
Don’t try to be a Gary Vaynerchuck if you’re not one. Embrace your unique personality. Are you a super quirky, fun-loving person a la Havi Brooks at The Fluent Self? Good, flaunt it, there’s a place for you. Maybe you’re into extreme minimalism, such as Leo at Zen Habits. He’s certainly found his place and tribe.
Ok, let’s turn it up to 11 here. What about Donald Trump? That dude is a narcissistic ass. I mean, getting into the vodka business? And that hair? Need I say more? But, you know what? I respect him. He’s the poster boy for capitalism and all that the rest of the world hates about America (at least most). I respect him for being totally true to himself and not giving a damn about what other people think. Now, that’s saying a lot.
So, what are you doing? Do you know who you are? Are you spending time studying others and striving to be like them? If so, stop. You’re awesome just the way you are. It may sound cheesy, but it’s the truth. Be true to yourself. Go full out and share your mad love for Star Wars, greasy fast food or cats. The day you start being true to yourself and ignoring what other people think will be your first day of living a life that is truly yours.
I’m Nate, a writer, mindfulness practitioner and student of the inner workings of the mind.
Good point, Nate. There are many things we can change in our lifes, but there are some others that kind of constitute us. Instead of fighting against them, it’s surely better to embrace them and use them to advance our own happiness and the happiness of others, even though society might initally expect a different behavior.
@Fabian – Yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with pressures put us on by society. That we need to wear certain clothes, buy certain products, look a certain way….and to my points above, act a certain way that may not be in line with our personality.
Now, for a lot of people this isn’t a problem, which is great. Many others are lost though and I think a lot of it has to do with the person not being true to their own, unique self. The first step in change comes from within, not an outside source.
What an awesome entry, Nate!
I’ve always been told I seem so easygoing socially, I’m good with people and blah blah…the truth is, it takes work for me. I have always preferred a handful of close friends, a quiet dinner with a buddy instead of a huge party….I’m friendly and sociable, but frankly, I’m probably just as much (if not more) content hanging out with a book or movie and one friend at a time. People seem shocked when I tell them this, though.
Maybe I just fake it well.
@Susan. Thanks for stopping by!
Exactly, it just takes a lot of extra effort for introverts to be good with people like that. An example is my wife. She’s a naturally outgoing person. She could strike up a conversation with anyone and become quick friends with them. For me it’s different. It takes a lot more work to do that.
I think that’s the funny thing about introverts. People think they are always hiding in their shells or don’t like people at all. That’s very much not the case…at least with most. It’s more how they relate to social situations. I have no issue going out to a large gathering, but I’d rather go out with a small group. If I do go to a big party then I certainly like to have time by myself to ‘recharge’….if that makes sense.
Loved the article. On a related note I don’t understand why someone would pay 100k to go to school. I know there are also more expensive schools but it’s really a very high debt I would never want to have.
.-= Oscar – freestyle mind´s last blog ..How to Beat the Fear of Change =-.
@Oscar – Yeah, I know. My wife is an attorney so we’re dealing with quite a bit of debt with that. It’s a tricky area. If you truly want to study business, law or medicine because it’s your passion and you can’t get enough of it, then I think it’s a good investment. Unfortunately, I don’t think this is the case for the majority of people. Advanced degrees are obtained for the wrong reasons: prestige, career advancement (may not seem bad, but I won’t digress on that here), more money, don’t know what to do so think going back to school is the solution, etc.
Nate – you may have realised from all my comments tonight – I’ve fallen in love with your blog!
and then the mention of cats at the end of this post, sealed that love 
Really great. I can really identify with a lot of what you say here. I am an outgoing hermit if that makes any sense! ? but I have definately only started finding my groove with how I wanted to be around this recently. As you say, it really is finding our uniqueness, that is important. I remember reading somewhere that people often start finding the courage (if they haven’t already) to really be themselves in their 30′s and that’s definately the case for me. For example I LOVE cats and even though I know people might think I am a mad cat woman, I don’t water that down too much, as I just think…that’s me!
I’m not saying I am completely fearless, but definately feeling I am moving in the right direction! 
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Make Fast Decisions =-.
Jen – thanks for the comment. Yeah, I’m defiitely not completely fearlesss myself, but I’m working on it. I’m in my 30′s as well and I’m starting to learn to listen to myself more. To not worry so much about what other people think of me and what I do. Part of that is my introvert nature. As corny as it sounds, it really begins with you, right? You have to be happy with yourself and your life before you can start making other people happy.