Learning to Explore Your Emotions

How often do you become irritated with external circumstances?

- It’s too hot outside
- It’s too cold outside
- Why is this person in front of me walking so slow
- That person is driving too fast
- The person sitting in front of me is too tall, I can’t see
- My partner/spouse/mate is too demanding
- I work too many hours

And on and on it goes. So, what is our typical response to these unpleasant situations? We either continue to complain about it or we try to change the external circumstance thinking that is what will bring us contentment:

- I’ll turn on the air conditioning
- I won’t go out in the snow
- I’m passing this person, they’re too slow
- I can’t believe that person is driving so fast. I hope a cop pulls him over.
- I’m going to tell this person to move so I can see
- I’m finding a new partner
- I’m going to quit my job

I view the above as short term fixes. They might initially work in that they make us feel better. However, I think that we can get addicted to this way of ‘solving’ our problems by changing our external circumstances.

Sooner or later another situation pops up that we don’t like and we continue to react in the same way. This reactive way in which we live our lives makes us feel like we’re not in control – like we’re passengers in this crazy ride of life. As a result, there never seems to be a steady, equanimous sense of calm and peace in our lives.

In the last video I talked about noticing these propensities and how they are the true root of discontent rather than the actual external stimulus that we mistake as the root of our dissatisfaction. This is a huge change in mindset!

It’s not to say that we won’t get annoyed, or we won’t get frustrated, or we won’t get angry. These emotions will continue to naturally arise. What it does mean is that if we can become aware of our propensities and rather than following them down the rabbit hole of stories we create about what’s happening, we instead look at them from a more neutral mindset, we will open ourselves up to the true reality of what’s going on without all the background stories that hook us in.

Here’s a practice you can follow that will help you with this:

1. When a strong emotion such as anger, annoyance, jealousy or frustration arises, locate the feeling. Where is the physical sensation of the emotion coming from? A tightness in the throat or chest? The feeling of a knot in your stomach? The idea is to connect with the body.
2. Instead of shying away from the feeling, go into it. Many times this takes courage as we don’t want to face these unpleasant feelings and we’re very good at either repressing them or projecting them. Breathe in deeply and connect with the source of that feeling.
3. Don’t get caught up in the stories behind the feeling. When you notice yourself placing blame, talking to yourself or ruminating about what happened, simply notice that and stop. Gently go back to being with the feeling in your body that’s associated with the emotion
4. Stay with that feeling. Eventually you may notice a shift in the feeling or that it simply goes away. Whatever happens is fine.

Doing the above is an act of compassion towards yourself. It’s also away to explore intense emotions in the exact moment you feel them so that you can deal with them at a very real and direct level.

In the below video, Pema Chodron talks about how easily we become irritated. What I love about this video is her sense of humor. She has a very keen understanding that it’s not about getting rid of so-called negative emotions. All of us will continue to get annoyed, angered and frustrated from time to time. Instead it’s about how we choose to respond. I find the message quite inspiring and I hope you will too.