A week ago or so, I heard a popular Zen story. Actually, the origin of the story is a bit unclear so I can’t positively say if the background is Zen. At any rate, here’s how the story goes:
Two monks are on a journey together. During the journey, they come across a river that they need to cross. Both monks notice a woman who is attempting to cross the river as well, but she is having difficulty and asks for help. The senior monk picks up the woman, carries her across the river and sets her down on the other side. The woman thanks the monk. The two monks continue their journey in silence until the junior monk finally breaks the silence. He says “How could have you done that? As monks, we are not allowed to come into contact with women, yet you picked that woman up and carried her across the river.” The senior monk replies, “I let the woman down at the edge of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
Attachment to Thoughts
This parable shows us how we can easily become attached to our thoughts and create stories in our head of how things should or should not be. It is a reminder that we need to learn to let go of our thoughts. Much of the anxiety and stress that we feel in our lives revolves around this attachment. By relinquishing the control our thoughts have on us, we can bring greater equanimity and peace into our lives.
A perfect example of attachment to thoughts is our constant desire and want to have things different from what they are right now. Personally, I used to always get extremely frustrated sitting in traffic or if I thought that someone in front of me was going too slow. One of my biggest breakthroughs came when I stopped treating the situation as ‘bad.’ Alternatively, I don’t try to categorize experiences as ‘good’ either. The key to non-attachment is observing your thoughts and becoming aware of the feelings that arise within you with non-judgement. So, now, it’s not that I never get feelings of frustration, but it’s more how I relate to those feelings. I try not to get wrapped up in them, which allows me to more easily let them go.
It’s certainly a challenge to remain mindful and not let our thoughts take us over. I can give another example of something that happened to me earlier this morning. I was on the train on my way to work, listening to a podcast and looking out the window. I was sitting towards the middle of the car and two conductors were moving down the aisle from opposite ends towards me. I showed one of the men my ticket and then went back to listening to my podcast and looking out the window. All of the sudden, I noticed the second conductor snapping his ticket puncher at me and asking for my ticket. I told him that I had already shown the other man my ticket, but he persisted in seeing it again, so I showed it to him. I immediately became aware of an annoyance and a feeling of being threatened in a way, which is kind of ridiculous. Even after I got off the train I was thinking over the conversation in my head and how I could have responded differently. It was then that the above story came to mind and I kind of chuckled. Why was I so concerned about something that was already done and over with?
Here are some tips to begin practicing letting go and non-attachment:
- Try to start becoming more aware of your thoughts or noticing if you get caught up in your thoughts. An example could be if you can’t get to sleep at night. Is it because you are pouring over something in your head?
- Notice any categorization you place on the particular event or thought. Do you think it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’?
- Investigate any physical feelings and where they are coming from. Do you notice any tension, or tightening in the chest? What do you feel?
- Don’t judge, suppress or react to the thought. Just be with it with non-judgement and let it go.
Realize that it’s not about stopping your thoughts. You’ll likely cause more stress and heartache for yourself if you try to do that. Instead, it’s about being with your thoughts as they are and noticing the transitory nature of your thought patterns. Finally, I find it helpful to repeat this mantra in any situation when I notice myself getting attached to my thoughts and feelings about a particular event – ‘This too shall pass.’
I’m Nate, a writer, mindfulness practitioner and student of the inner workings of the mind.
These are similar principles to the Vipassana meditation practice that I credit for creating such positive change in my life. The idea is not to fight our feelings, but to accept them, examine them and react in a more healthy manner so that the following time, that reaction becomes a little more natural.
I love how you’re able to use small stories from your everyday life to further support your points. It’s what keeps this blog as real and genuine as they come.
And your posts lately have really got me thinking about doing another 10-day meditation retreat!
Are you familiar with the Vipassana?
.-= Earl´s last blog ..Guest Post at Quest4Balance.com! =-.
Hey Earl!
Yes, definitely similar principles to Vipassana as that ‘school’ of Buddhism revolves around mindfulness…although, I suppose most Buddhist practices do.
Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it. I’m trying to be as genuine and honest as possible about my journey and struggles. I’m absolutely writing about this stuff because it’s something I definitely care about.
Oh, back to the Vipassana. Yes, I’m mildly familiar with it. Actually, once I’m done with my MBSR course, I will likely go that route. There’s a Vipassana meditation center a couple of blocks from my house. I’m sure I’ll also look into doing some longer retreats as well.
I love your posts Nate. This is great and perfect timing, I was in the middle of exactly that kind of drama in my head as I came to read your post! I have let it go and will bring this awareness to my life today. Loved the story.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..A wake up call =-.
Jen – thanks for the kind comment. I really appreciate it! I’m glad the story helped. I love hearing and reading stories like this. They offer great lessons in how we can live our lives. I hope you’re doing well! Peace.
Detaching from our thoughts is not an easy task to accomplish. However, it must be done in order for us to grow spiritually. The initial thoughts that we have come from the automatic response of the mind. We should always be aware of this in order for us to be free from following our instincts.
Hi Walter – good to hear from you! Yes, I agree, it is a difficult task indeed. Sometimes I’m shocked when I meditate at the overwhelming flow of thoughts…and the randomness to them. It goes to show you that we are not our thoughts though and that our thoughts are not permanent.
I love your story. Thoughts do indeed become things. It’s amazing when I challenge myself to clear my thoughts and focus on the positive, good things happen.
Thanks for sharing.
Alex
Alex -
Thank you for your comment! Yes, I think positive thinking definitely does help out quite a bit. Also, just becoming aware of our thoughts and not trying to place labels on events helps as well. It helps us better accept the impermanence of all things, whether we consider them ‘good’ or ‘bad.’
Nate,
This is really good stuff and it really hits home with me. A similar occurrence happened to me this morning. I was pulling into the work parking lot and there was another car right on my tail. He ended up parking right next to me but I really didn’t like the aggression he was showing with his driving. I felt like approaching him but I let it pass. So, I did the right thing in that case.
Your story reminds me of a saying that says “If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past. If you lie, it becomes part of your future.” The elder monk forgot about the incident while the younger monk held onto the thought and it bothered him.
Nate, you and I are a lot alike. I look forward to reading more here.
Best,
Bob
.-= Bob Bessette´s last blog ..Review of Daniel Scocco’s eBook, Make Money Blogging. =-.
Hi Bob -
Thanks for stopping by!
Yeah, sometimes it’s hard when we get those feeling or we feel that someone else is threatening us. We begin to create stories in our head and come up with ways we can respond, or react. It helps when we begin to realize these are just thoughts. They are not who we are. If we have the patience to sit and observe these thoughts with non-judgement we will see that they pass. This can be quite a liberating process.